F1's Christmas list
Nikki Reynolds (2002-12-10)

WindTunnel (F1)

Have you ever wondered how many letters Father Christmas has had from Formula One drivers complaining that all they wanted for Christmas was the world title but he's given it to the same bloke three years in a row? As for Michael Schumacher, doesn't he get bored getting the same present all the time? "Oh lovely, another title. I'll put it in the cupboard with all the other ones. Can I have a pogo stick next year?"

So what do you give the man who has everything? Michael's got the best team, the best car and more titles than you could shake a grid-full of peeved F1 drivers at. Some competition, that's what someone should give him. A bloody big boxful of it, otherwise we'll all take up washing our cars on a Sunday afternoon instead of watching races. A style consultant wouldn't go amiss either -- have you seen those cowboy boots and unfeasibly large belt buckles?


Juan Pablo Montoya. Photo by Eric Gilbert.

Now that the FIA has taken Ferrari's favourite toy away, namely team orders, presumably Rubens Barrichello will be wanting a few race wins all wrapped up in pretty ribbons. Don't hold your breath, Ruby. Perhaps Santa will arrange for a couple of handy heat-seeking missiles to be secreted in his race car. Then when Michael gets too far ahead, one flip of a switch and Kaboom! "Bad luck Mike, did you have a blowout?"

David Coulthard has wanted a world title for years and he keeps telling everyone that's what he's getting -- this year, for sure. But every year all he finds in his stocking is some Lego and an orange. Maybe he should try building his own race car powered by vitamin C, although the Lego might not be aerodynamically efficient. Can't be any worse than this year's McLaren though. Hey, a lathe is what he needs, to smooth out some angles on his noggin. Let's face it, a square head isn't very aerodynamically efficient either. Kimi Raikkonen would probably be quite happy with some acne cream and a less squeaky voice. Puberty, perhaps, would fit in his stocking. Maybe his race suit is too tight and doesn't allow room for the dropping of spherical appendages.


Kimi Raikkonen. Photo by Brousseau Photo.

Ralf would maybe like a brother not called Michael who doesn't keep winning everything. And a less irritating teammate. And a faster car. And a sense of humour. "And I wish people would stop calling me Specky Four Eyes, it's not funny!" Poor Ralfie, he's a nice guy really but he always looks so damn petulant. He'd probably like a cage for the Monster Montoya. Juan Pablo could do with a bucket to stand on so he doesn't look like such a shortarse when standing next to Ralf. He'd no doubt prefer a hole for Ralf to stand in, the bigger the better. How do you wrap a hole? Something for the technical wizards to ponder -- give them a conundrum and they'll be happy. How do you wrap a conundrum, come to think of it?

Fernando Alonso already got what he wanted: a race seat. Jenson Button has crossed him off his Christmas card list, along with Montoya. Ferdy and the brooding Jarno Trulli could well be fervently praying for race suits that don't make them look like a gay Bob The Builder tribute band. A friend, who shall remain nameless for protection from indignant Jarno fans, once said the Italian had "the charisma of a carrot." Maybe some of Fernando's humour, little ray of sunshine that he is, will rub off on Jarno.

Heinz-Harald Frentzen is probably hoping for a team to stay around him for more than five minutes. Superglue would come in handy. A white-sequined jumpsuit wouldn't go amiss either -- according to meaningless statistics that we don't believe anyway, the number of Elvis impersonators is increasing rapidly. By the year umpty-whatever, one in every ten people will be an Elvis impersonator -- which means there will be two on the F1 grid. Heinz would make a good Elvis, although he might find that Montoya steals his burgers. Tiny little Nick Heidfeld needs an anti-bird device to fend off the pesky things that are intent on sticking themselves to his helmet. The feathered variety are quite keen on him as well.

Giancarlo Fisichella probably wants his seat at Renault, previously Benetton, back. Eddie Jordan gave him a Cosworth engine instead, which will give Giancarlo something new to play with next year. And please, please, please, somebody give Fisi a haircut. EJ wants someone with lots of cash and a little less crash than Takuma Sato to drive the other Jordan. Taku wants his race seat but so do a few other people: Eddie Irvine, Felipe Massa, Anthony Davidson -- who knows which one will pop out of the Christmas cracker? Irvine is an old hand at pulling, allegedly.


Cristiano da Matta. Photo by Jack Durbin.

No matter what Jaguar gets, it'll break it, lose it or sack it. The recipient of the gift of being boss of Jaguar will probably have a tantrum: "But I wanted a proper team! Waaaaaah!" Antonio Pizzonia has broken a few Jaguar toys already so a bit more control would be appropriate, along with a less silly nickname. Mark Webber may want to take his present, a race seat at Jaguar, back for a refund. "Look, I only had it a couple of weeks and it doesn't work properly, things keep changing. What do you mean there's no warranty?" Ford is like an impatient child, and keeps shaking the damn team in the hope that it'll suddenly do what it's supposed to. Maybe they forgot to put the batteries in.

Jenson Button gets bored with his toys fairly quickly, and wants another different team to play with. He would no doubt love his Williams back but Monty has got his mitts firmly on the wheel. A podium finish would give Jenson a boost, God only knows he's been wanting one for ages. So far a podium has been too awkward for Santa to get down the chimney and whether BAR can produce one is dubious -- it's not very good at wrapping things and Honda is a bit too keen on things that explode. Let's hope no-one gives Honda a chemistry set. Jacques Villeneuve wants his title back. Currently he's the only one apart from Schumacher who's had a title before but he lost it somewhere and can't remember where he put it.

Christiano da Matta promised he would be a good boy if Santa would give him an F1 car. The Brazilian was very good and won the 2002 CART championship so Santa kept his end of the bargain and gave him a Toyota. See, if you behave yourself you get what you ask for. Olivier Panis seems to be quite happy with whatever he's given, although he probably dropped hints to Toyota that he really didn't want yet another exploding engine. "No, really, the ones Honda gave me in 2002 were lovely but something different would be nice. You've gotten Honda what for Christmas? A chemistry set?"

Paul Stoddart wanted Santa to bring him Cosworth engines for Christmas and the rotund, red-suited one duly obliged -- although what Ross Brawn is doing handing out engines is a mystery. Minardi now needs two drivers to fill its stockings. Don't dwell on that idea, it conjures all sorts of alarming mental images. Stoddart has had so many drivers either behind the wheel -- in Justin Wilson's case, levered into the cockpit with a crowbar -- or linked to the team by rumour that he could probably fill the grid with Minardis next year if he had enough cars. Or given the length that Wilson's car needs to be to accommodate his lanky frame, Stoddart could probably get them all in one chassis. Jos Verstappen and Justin Wilson are likely candidates for the Minardi seats but Stoddart hasn't unwrapped them yet.

Bernie Ecclestone got what he asked for years ago -- a global racing game which makes him pots and pots of money. Tom Walkinshaw got a lot of people annoyed while F1 got one less team and a few new rules. I know what I'd like for Christmas but I'm not sure how a certain driver feels about a bathtub full of whipped cream and a rubber duck. No harm in asking, I suppose. Happy Christmas.